My Kids

YES I GET TO SEE MY LITTLE GIRL 1 WEEKEND A MONTH - THE FIRST WEEKEND OF EVERY MONTH...

ON TOP OF NETBALL ON WEDNESDAY AND SATURDAYS! THIS IS FANTASTIC! I'M OVER THE MOON!!

YIPPEE!!!

Saddens me to think of all the fun we could have had today - so many things we could have done.

Alas I remained locked in the study finishing off newsletters and the like, Corinne is at her course.

It is going to be a lonely day.

Was nice.

Took her and one of her friends to see "Jumper". Good movie, a bit violent but still a good enough movie.

Asked her if she wanted to stay the week. Alas, the answer was no.

I'd already asked if she wanted to stay over tonight. At first she said she had something on early on Sunday, which wasn't a problem for me. Sadly though when I accidentally pinned her down on it in front of her mother it came to light that she was lying, she didn't actually have anything on Sunday she just wanted an excuse not to come over without saying outright "no".

Sad, and painful, that she feels she needs to lie to me - for whatever reason.

I was elated to see her and be with her (even though I sat two rows back so as not to intrude on her and her friend) but by the end of the day I was heartbroken and hurt.

Still, at least I got to see her. She now owes Jenny $10 though, I wonder if she'll remember that or how she is going to pay her off (before the movie she was going to come over tonight / tomorrow and do some chores to earn some pocket money, after the movie she changed her mind and I think I almost caught her out in another attempted deceit at why she didn't want to come over tonight).

It was nice to see her, even though the day didn't end as well as I had hoped. I love her, it pains me to think of the damage and pain that myself and others have caused her at such a young age. She's so beautiful. Does she not trust me? Does she fear me? Is she afraid I'll hurt her? These are just some of the many questions that whizz through my mind all the time.

It's not easy being green.

I may get to see Sarah on the weekend! Yippee!! One can hope anyway - nothing written in stone yet but it would definitely be nice to spend some time with her... even just the thought of it fills me with happiness and joy

Congratulations on getting into the 1st team Sarah sweetheart!

Well done, I'm very proud of you and love you very much.

Hope you had a good day at the beach, put enough suncream on and didn't get too sunburnt...

Had organised to meet her there and we sat and talked for a good 30mins or so.

Was lovely.

Can't wait for training to start so I can see her more often.

Well Corinne's gone down to the shops and I was feeling adventurous so I called Sarah and asked if she wanted to go to the movies with us on Monday.

Interesting conversation, if conversation you could call it - all I managed was monosyllable replies on everthing I asked.

When I asked about the movies there was a very long very extended pause, then an audible sigh followed by monosyllable negative response.

Well, back to feeling like I've lost my daughter and will never regain her again. Really feels like me trying to talk to her or spend time with her is a burden on her. She even accused me several times yesterday of "stalking" her - I'm not sure how I'm suppose to defend against that when we were both at Mum's.

When I learnt Sarah was going to be at Mum's from the 26th of December I tried to stay away as long as possible because other times I was there and asked if she wanted to do something all I got was "I'm here to visit Nana" so I figured she didn't want me there. I was there yesterday for another reason and hung around because we seemed to be having fun, I guess I may have been wrong.

I wonder what repercussions this is going to have on Mum? Will Sarah stop going over there now because of fear she might run into me? How horrendous that I should visit my mother! Shame on me, I know.

She's staying at Mum's, been there from the 26th and she's leaving on New Years day.

Was an interesting day. Lots of all sorts of feelings. Of course it was enjoyable to be with my little girl but very painful as well.

That and half my family treats me like a fucking irresponsible kid really does wonders for my depression.

Came home feeling like shit and thinking... unpleasant.. thoughts.

Oh such fun.. what's the lyrics to that song? "Life goes on living long after the fun has gone"

Later on (when I was feeling better) Corinne suggested asking if she'd want to go and see a movie with us on Monday. I'm worried about the rejection if I call her but Corinne said she'd call and ask. I'm not expecting a positive outcome but you never know what's around the corner.

They were definitely pretty and quite visible even from home.

Of course if Sarah had been able to make it we would have gone down to the festivities and had fairy floss and ice-cream and who knows what other goodies

As it stands we'll just have to force ourselves to eat that bag of honey'd popcorn we'd bought specially for Sarah's visit...

Unfortunately and unsurprisingly my daughter called my mother this afternoon and asked her to tell me that she wouldn't be able to make it this weekend.

The pessimist in me always feared something would come up and alas it has.

NOW I remember the pain of parenthood.

EDIT: Not that I wasn't looking forward to it, far from it - I was really looking forward to seeing Sarah again.

However it would appear it was not to be.

One hopes this isn't a sign of things to come.

Corinne's just called and Sarah is gonna be here for the fireworks next week and maybe for a weekend during school holidays!

Yay yay woo hoo I can't express how excited I am!

Yay woo

Finally saw Sarah today. After the Xmas party last night I caught a taxi back to Mum's and stayed there until Corinne came along at lunchtime today and picked me up.

I think we had an ok time.

I painted her nails (and did a botch job - sorry Sweetheart) and she painted mine - all of mine, including my toenails!

But we had a nice time, I enjoy seeing my daughter when I can... I love her so very much and miss her dearly *sigh*

Sarah was suppose to be at Mum's this weekend.

I was really looking forward to at least seeing her briefly as I passed by.

Alas she didn't show even though she called earlier in the week to ask if she could go over.

There wasn't even a phone call to say she wasn't coming anymore.

Mum called their place on Sunday to find Sarah had gone "to a friends place".

Such consideration is disheartening

Happy 11th Birthday to my daughter Sarah who I haven't seen or spoken to in months.

Everytime I think of her it's like needles and daggers through my heart.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart, I love you.

I spoke with my little girl today.. first time since Cape York last year

After all there's no reason why I shouldn't be speakingto her, I just can't stand to deal with her mother. All I've managed to do so far is hurt both myself and Sarah, and that was never the idea.

I now really have to start our relationship from scratch after what I did but as long as I don't have to deal with her mother I have high hopes that we'll be fine. Trust is going to take a long time to restore though :-\